This morning the Andrew (7) and Michael (4) jumped into bed and each kissed me on the cheek to wake me up. "Wow, it's great to be a dad!" I thought.

Andrew: "Haha, I licked you."
Michael: "Haha, I wiped boogers on you."

Kill me now. They're teaming up against me already. It's like the scene in Jurassic Park where the velociraptors show pack hunting intelligence. Scary.

Michael (4): "One day, I'll be taller than Mommy."
Me: "Probably."
Michael: "Then she'll have to die."
Me: "Really?"
Michael: "Yes. Then I'll be taller than you. Then you'll have to die."

One more thing to look forward to, I guess.

The other night, I repeated my usual bedtime routine with Michael (4) where I ask him what the best part of his day was.

Me: "Michael, what was the best part of your day today?"
Michael: [looking cute, whispers something I can't hear]
Me: [leaning closer] "Michael, what was the best part of your day today?"
Michael: "Hitting you in the head."

Whack. He smacks me on the side of the head.

After the last time, you'd think I'd be wise to him.

This evening, I pinned his hands when I asked the question. The little rat tried to head butt me, a big smile on his face.

Michael (4) to Andrew (7): "Get back up so I can knock you back down!!"

Ah, brotherly love.

(Note, turns out this is a line from Yu-Gi-Oh, the Movie. Hard to believe it didn't win an Oscar.)

A good friend of ours has a cool pirate map tattoo on a good portion of his scalp. Michael (4) thought this was super cool and wanted a pirate map on his head too. Our friend told him, "You already have one. Everyone has one. You just can't see yours because of your hair." Michael was delighted and thought this was super cool.

The other day, he came up behind me while I was sitting down and starting picking through my hair on the back of my head like a scene out of "Chimps of the Gombe". He confronted me, "Hey, you don't have a map on your head!" Sensing a there-is-no-Santa moment coming, I put on my most sincere face and said, "Sure, it's there, it's just hard to see because of my hair" and stood up quickly so he couldn't check again. He paused for a moment and then walked away happy.

Great. On top of Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, I need to perpetuate another great lie. Somehow, I think Michael will be more bummed when he finds out he doesn't have a pirate map on his head than he will be when he learns about the other things. I'm not looking forward to that day.

Michael (4), my evil child who strikes fear in others, has a weakness. Michelle discovered the other day that Michael is afraid of flies (but "just a little bit" according to Michael.)

Hard to believe that Mr. Dangerous is afraid of flies, but I guess even Superman had a weakness. I guess Andrew (7) will need to carry a little vial of flies with him from now on to ward off Michael.

Michael (4) is getting more devious. This scares me.

The other night, I did my usual bedtime routine where I asked him what the best part of his day was.

Michael: [smiling cutely] "Throwing stuffed animals at you."
Me: [stupidly] "When did you throw stuffed animals at me?"
Michael: [obviously] "Right now."

Bam! Boom! Kapow!

Duh.

I was hit with a flurry of stuffed animals that appeared from under his comforter. Michael, obviously, was delighted and very satisfied. I had no doubt it truly was the best part of his day.

Andrew's (7) Pinewood Derby race was last night. His gloss red wedge-shaped "Dragon Fire" took third-place out of approximately 30 cars, delighting Andrew to no end (and surprising the heck out of me.) The event was long, but the kids did surprisingly well (contrary to my previous Cub Scout experiences). It was very fun, and I'm pleased to report the kids (and parents) were uniformly good sports.

For those who don't know, the Pinewood Derby is an even where kids build little cars and race them down a track. It's a Boy/Cub Scout tradition (I did it as a Cub Scout too.) I understand Girl Scouts and others do it too. The kids get a basic kit with a pine block, four wheels, and four nails. After that, you can do whatever you want, modulo a few rules around weight, moving parts, etc.

The kids are supposed to do most of the work on the car. Andrew did a little of each step (cutting the block, rasping it into shape, sanding, painting, etc.) but the Derby-elf (me -- thanks, Bruce, for this turn-of-phrase), moved the process along too. It was fun to make the car with Andrew. I don't do a lot of woodworking usually and am not the handiest guy around, but it's fun. I'm already looking forward to next year.

Michael (4) came up to Michelle the other day and sighed, "It's not easy being dangerous."

I'm sure Darth Vader had his bad days too.

As usual, we set out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. Once the kids go to bed and after we've set all the gifts out, Michelle and I (or just I) eat the cookies, drink the milk, and maybe leave a note. Andrew used to love this and really thought Santa had eaten the little snack.

This year, when Michael came out Christmas morning, Michelle pointed out that Santa had left the cookie plate and milk glass out (instead of putting them away like we tell the kids to do), Michael got mad and said, "Oooh, I hate that guy!"

Not even Santa gets a break from Michael.